“Write what you know”

This thought, popped into my head today, as I was casting about for inspiration. I found this snippet from my folder of ruminations:

When one begins to witness ones scarcity mindset… it’s quite shocking… a little humorous… and rather curious. To realise, no matter how fast or how hard you run, you’ll always be in the same place, mentally. It certainly looks frustrating. And so… the only way to shift it… is to realise that this present moment, is entirely, enough. 

Yesterday, I decided I’d go for a run today.

I woke resolved and was about to put on my usual casual around the house clothes before I realised that if I really wanted to go for that run, I’d make it easy by already being in running clothes. I’d nip procrastination right in the bud. So I put on some cargoes and a hoodie and went about my morning routine.

And at noon I went.

It’s been a while since I’ve done any running. Not since I got back, as I’d planned to start learning kung fu as soon I was working again and treat that as the substitute for running. Now I’m not sure forms like dancing, yoga or martial arts… will deliver the same endorphin high, post-run.

I expected to experience anticipation, feel out of breath shortly and feel a desire to stop way before I’d come close to hitting my body’s limit – the beginners body/mindset – but it wasn’t like that at all. It was like the period I dedicated to showing up at the gym, back in 2017, the endurance training, hadn’t disappeared on me, or that yoga kept me relatively in shape.

I hit the shower when I got in… and as I pulled off my tank top, I wondered, wow, the body remembers. The body remembers how to run, what running feels like… what the runners high feels like. It was good.

I was doing a 6 hour layover in Santiago when I wrote the snippet about scarcity mindset. It was dawning on me that this was a huge key for me.

If tomorrow or some future day, where possessing x, y and z… happened, it wouldn’t change the default feeling of worth because I’d simply have created a new reality where x, y and z… were normal events or things. So the question is, what is my default feeling of worth?

What is within my control? What can I change and shift? Following the feeling of apathy to discover it was procrastination that created it… and that procrastination always arises when there is some belief or block in my mind that feels too painful, to examine. That, in the examination, the answers unravel themselves and the subconscious gives up its secrets when the questions do the asking in some form of why and Can I know for sure, that this is true? Honestly, I love Byron Katie’s work.

As a kid, there were periods where I’d make resolutions to go running in the morning… and all too often… I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I slept in. My dad would berate my lack of willpower. I’m chuckling. The thought just occurred to me. I used to be far too accustomed to showing up to my life with the victim archetype active. When I left Spain, I wrote this:

When I leave this place… I will be leaving her here… When I leave this place… her death will echo through the mountains and the rivers… the grasses and the mountains. When I leave this place, I will be kissing my victim identity softly on the mouth, and whisper kindness into her ears, I will let her know, thank you, for serving me, for being here, for being present… and I will let her go. I will let her dissolve back into the ether that she came from. Back into the wind. I will let her go. 

The wind spirits know. And I know.

Now running is easy. Now showing up in a way that requires for me to feel worthy and entirely capable of what I am asking for, to engage in self-love… asking for what I need, acknowledging that I need others… finding the skill to stay authentic, responsive rather than reactive… is a radically honest and humbling process. And if willpower is a muscle, so is worthiness.

My heart feels lighter for writing tonight.

Sand

Musings from May

All things shall pass. Time… doesn’t exist. Death is merely a return to ash, from where we came. Death… is a reminder… of life, that we are, have been, will be, again, in the rhythm and cycle of life, birth, death.

Today has been a strange day, yet curious. Often I seem to say this… “strange”, perhaps a word I fancy. I discovered the root of my neurosis. A fear of letting others in, even those who think highly of me, or well of me… that sooner or later… their good opinion of me, will fade to ash, like death… nothing is permanent… yet… to love, to love… you risk transience.

Yet… if you desire friendship, lovers, truth… the only place you can exist, is in the transience. The fading light… forgiveness. A willingness to embrace change. That every dawn of your life, holds in its warm embrace, the seeds of a new future. It doesn’t begin tomorrow. It begins the moment you wake up.

Start with what you know, acknowledge what you don’t know… realising, what you don’t know, could fill volumes. And trust that’s enough.

I have a curious desire… for friendships that mirror self-worth, expansion, mutual development and spiritual growth. I desire it. I have a desire… for lovers… worldly… experienced and introspective… and present. Filled with presence, reverence for beauty, women, life, joy. And all the gifts of this physical plane. Abundant in health, sharp of mind and powerful in non-competitive business. Handsome too, athletic. I have a desire, to be his equal in love. A man who both delights my mind and arouses my senses. Who honours my sensuality and sets me free in love. To delight his. Who worships all faces of the feminine. Who knows his worth… and honours all women. 

I have a deep desire… to honour friendships filled with growth, possibility… change… spirituality, friendships formed in the spirit of love, kinship, courage, passion, fiery magic. Friendships with intellectual mettle, that challenge me to grow, to continually expand, to never settle, to question…

Friendships, forged with love… friendships, deep like the sea… and transient. To love, always, is to call upon the winds of transience. To dance on the prairies… beneath the stars, naked and seen. I desire this. 

I have a deep desire, to forge my own path through life. As I am now. I have forgiven, everything. How beautiful, this moment is. Courage, is always, worthy of respect. To pick up discarded dreams, to dust yourself off, is to have chosen perseverance. I have forgiven everything, because nothing is worth holding onto, that creates shame. Nothing is unforgivable. Nothing… is unredeemable. 

Your apology, is enough. In the face of truth, I am the most resilient being I know. Malcolm. Ghandi. There are others. Victor Frankyl. I guess, that’s why his story was so powerful to me – it is the story of resilience and triumph, of the spirit. 

No matter who you are and where you find yourself, in this moment, when you choose to soften, to bloom, to accept, to expand… you have. The world exists in the palm of your hand… and you are a speck on the Earth. Do you see what a miracle you are? 

Life will find you, with its games, temptations… the path that leads the straightest, doesn’t exist. If you choose it, it’s already yours. The rest is merely falling into place. It takes physical intangible time. When you think and feel well of yourself, the world is your oyster. The world reflects you back. So, smile. 

Sand

Truths

Truths are like the waves of the ocean. Transient and prescient at the same time. Sometimes when you look again… later in the day, in a week, a month, a year, a decade… the truth is no longer the same it was for you at the time you first met it… perhaps it no longer serves where you are now… perhaps there is a deeper version of that truth. In any case… take what works for you… and release the rest. Go where you light up. Otherwise… you are using your time for things that do not interest or serve you. Be specific instead. Be incredibly discerning. Trust your intuition… and let go of dogma and structures that are in place for the sake of structure. If structure doesn’t serve a purpose, what is it serving?