There exists in me a desperate yearning sometimes that I wonder if it exists for others. It is not that this thought soothes me… but that I find the threads of grace in the knowing that… I’m not alone in this. There’s a kind of grace in the shared stories and histories that can exist and intertwine between our worlds. There’s a kind of grace, in seeing you as you are.
She said… what are you proud of?
And the word pride seemed too yellow, too much, too uncomfortable… to frame my words through this lens. I did try… and when it came to the page in front of me and I, I discovered this was my relationship to pride.
Nothing ever dies. Although, I speak of death candidly. In this context, I think, death simply re-animates, meaning. Takes something apart, disintegrates it… and soon enough, it will be something else. It will coagulate again… be part of something else, be different in its new expression… be more. Renewed.
Nothing ever ceases to exist… nothing… what does this word mean? No thing? It seems ironic, that here I am really referring to everything.
Repressed pride in my shadow still exerted its influence over my life. The obvious… felt like a moment of realisation, long in coming… and with it, memories of childhood, now infused with sadness and acceptance.
The way you see someone may not be the way they see themselves. Is it the years that are bringing on this sense of expansion? Or that I’ve arrived at a point where the pain of not expanding this exceeds the growth pains?
I’m not averse to the pragmatism of life… or the practicalities of reality… when in rhythm, I enjoy them greatly… like the making of a meal and the maintenance of a sense of structure… for the purpose of joy and clarity. I love structure when it serves me, when it works for me. It has been a joy to re-learn what structure means to me.
Some ideas haven’t blossomed and come to full fruition yet. Give it time. And in the meantime… find joy and daydream away. Because when the ideas do ripen… the action and the manifestation of them flows effortlessly.
I am feeling this decade come to a close. It was an intense decade for me and I wonder if I will experience this level of intensity again in my life, or if, it will always be the darkest decade of my life… with its lessons and beautiful moments but also its pain and darkness. I’d rather like to hope so.
I don’t feel like I have given up anything that matters… but I have given up a great deal of what does not. I really don’t know what the future holds and I don’t really… care to know… yet… like growing fruit… it hasn’t ripened yet… but I can feel the seeds have been planted, and what do you do… but tend lovingly to the watering and growth of what you have planted? ❤
2019, I am proud of:
– Quiting my role/job/work at the end of 2018
– Putting uni on hold at the end of 2018
– Spending 4 months in Spain
– Spending 6 weeks alone in Peru
– Getting a tattoo over my scars (nearly a decade long decision I finally commited to)
– Showing up on the yoga mat every day
– Commiting to meditation
– Dancing my traumas free
– Having the courage to show up to be seen
– Letting go of shame
– Letting myself cry – often
– Letting myself feel the pain fully
– Finishing uni / final portfolio
– A new role/job and work bringing and encouraging growth and expansion
– Confidence, Integrity, Alignment, Empowerment
– Acknowledging needs and boundaries
– Exploration of the esoteric
– Deepening yoga practice
– Continued commitment to meditation
– Courage, showing up, embodied dance
– To love my work and all that I do
– Flow and creativity
– Deepening roots, classical music, L.mus.A
– Seeking new ways of working with music and its connection to the emotional body
– Travel fund
Books I read in 2019 for which I am grateful to, in shaping my thoughts, inspiring me and inviting growth:
The Road Less Travelled – M. Scott Peck
Awakening the Heroes Within – Carol S. Pearson
Blue Truth – David Deida
The Magic of Thinking Big – David J Schwartz
The 4 hour work week – Tim Ferris
The Richest Man in Babylon – George S. Clason
The Law of Attraction – Ester, Jerry and Abraham Hicks
The Instruction – Ainslie Macleod
The Holy Wild – Danielle Dulsky
2020 Goal: Ikigai
To wake up fulfilled and to enjoy a sense of warmth for the day ahead. To fill the day with beautiful moments and reasons for being.
What are you proud of? What is your ikigai?