Life is messy and imperfect. We will always find what we are looking for if we sift through the sand. We will always find the treasures in the broken shells and the bruised edges. 

In improvisation, I found this edge:

The chaos captures my imagination. The chaos captures my heart and I painstakingly follow it for more, for something I’m not even sure I know I’m pursuing, in the lines and the details and the intricacies, I marvel at the big picture that comes out of the chaos… and on close inspection, realise I’ve been mistaken all along, the chaos weaved webs and lines and curves and threads to follow home. Chaos cried from the way I choked it. It yearned for blue skies and freedom. Chaos cried, for the wings of grace.

How could I kill you? My rawness. My scrapes, cuts, bruises, mistakes? The imperfections of life… is where we will feel the most.  

Piano improvisation – Chaos: Winter is Thunderous

Moments where we look up and see the moon glowing, hanging in the night, a dark blue sea swept starless. Moments where we look up in awe… there… floating back into the trees on an invisible thread, is a spider on its way home.

Beauty exists in the unfolding and the dying… in the cycles of the seasons and our bodies, in the shattering pain of being heartbroken. In the light falling through the leaves, in persisting… in learning… the act of surrender is sometimes an art. Letting go can be bittersweet and poignant.

30th of May, 2018



9 thoughts on “Chaos”

  1. I find this to be very true. Perfection is a myth. I’ve tried so hard to achieve it, but I’ve always fallen short. I find now that there’s more gold in crushed Autumn leaves than some shiny bar that people value so much. There is harmony in the struggle; strength in the madness of experience. This is a very beautiful post Sand.

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    1. Thank you!

      Perhaps you’ve been too difficult on yourself.

      Autumn leaves and shiny bars are symbols. They both have power in different contexts and they have different meanings to different people. On that note, I find there to be the most gold in Eric Clapton’s version of Autumn Leaves. 😂

      Often it’s our first experience of something… that forms and shapes us.

      Thanks for commenting! I’m really glad you found the beauty in this post. 😊

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      1. People always tell me that I’m way too hard on myself. 😂 I don’t listen to much Eric Clapton, but I do like the jazz standard Autumn Leaves. I think Paul Desmond plays it beautifully. It’s true that it’s our first experience of something that shapes us. Sometimes I find this to be an unsettling truth. I come across as aloof because I’m introverted, and people think I’m arrogant when I’m trying hard to connect. But that’s just an anecdote. There are greater first experiences which are not related to society that can shape us tremendously.

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      2. Yes, you put it beautifully!

        I’m having a listen to Paul Desmond’s version. I love that sax intro.

        Well… someone doesn’t have to be introverted to be aloof though. It might be something else… and it might just be the way you see yourself or certain contexts and the way you respond. You haven’t seemed aloof in these comments.

        I actually… used to say that too… that I come across as aloof to people… but I’ve never actually gotten proof from anyone that that’s the case. Nevertheless, its probably been true in some instances and not at all true in others. 😅 The past doesn’t have to dictate the present. 🙂

        If you think about something all the time… you tend to make a self-realising prophecy out of it. 😂🤣

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      3. I’m listening to Eric Clapton’s version now. Wow! It’s really good. Haha I’m not aloof here, but if you met me, you’ll see a weary bearded man, drinking coffee, smoking a Marlboro, and rarely talking. You’ll probably think, ‘oh how boring!’ 😂 Yeah it’s probably how I see myself in different contexts. But you’re right the past doesn’t have to dictate the present. So if we were to bump into each other, I’ll make sure I’m shaven, drinking tea, and I might even smile 😄 But I’m being silly as usual. What you said about thinking about something until it becomes a prophecy is very true. It’s frightening when one becomes so self-absorbed until he’s destroyed.

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  2. Sorry my iPad didn’t show me the music. I reopened my laptop now, and am listening to it. It’s minimalistic again, but very different from Apricity. This piece is a little more abstract; it’s something along the lines of what Philip Glass composes. It embodies imperfection really well.

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