Freedom

I like it when you play with a lack of attachment, when you’re willing to embody all the roles that exist and all the plays ever written. I love the taste of surrender, as much as I love the feeling of control, I love the balance and the chaos and the nothingness as well as the fullness, the edges, however they feel, dangerous, sharp… or soft and indolent. 

I thought I was never afraid of darkness, only to discover what it meant. I thought I was not afraid of my own depravity, only to discover I could be burned. Scathed. I thought I would armour up, but I learned, to bring a ferocious kind of acceptance to it all. 

I love the feeling of shifting lines, of changing boundaries – of learning what they feel like. Of marvelling at the irony, at the extent to which everyone, all things… reveal themselves… and the way I react and my reactions to my reactions. The way you react to the tip of the iceberg… without seeing the work and the sweat and the self inflicted agony of getting here. So on and so on. There’s something morbidly delicious about assenting, about agreeing, about playing with the polarity, about pulling and pushing and tweaking and nudging. About being seen through. I am not always kind, nurturing and loving… as much as the Mother archetype exists within me. I know, it is historically the most socially acceptable one. Perhaps for that very reason, arises the scintillating desire to explore other facets, as others of this time period and those that have come before and those that will come after, are doing, have done and will do.

Indeed, I love it when I’m seen through. When the depth and the darkness and the mystery and the enigma… bubbles forth from your lips because you’re willing to appreciate the mirror I present. Because you’re not asking me to be someone who fits into the lines… who sounds perfectly clear and cut. Because you don’t care. You have your own demons, your own battles, your own scars. The ledge I inhabited was a place you found comfort. 

It was inevitable… that I would meet you on this battleground. 

That I would be drawn again to the darkness that originally brought me here. 

That we’d be demons for each other as much as angels. 

That I would say yes, to exploring these parameters… to dissolution. Dissolution, you delivered for me, in spades. Dare I say, you even exceeded my expectations. I understand the unfolding of this story because it seems, that I’ve come to its true finality. You were my shattering of the known and the initiation into the unknown. You were the catalyst for the beginning of that journey… and as it closes, I’m rather grateful, for everything. 

All I experienced, along the road to getting here, to this moment, to learning of this present moment, was needed. I am in deep awe… at what life looked like and looks like, from this perspective… to the me that struggled, that her struggle was not pointless, that it was going to take as long as she needed. And now that I know, I have to say, there is a sense of satisfaction.

I don’t shame and reject my needs and desires. That has been the biggest growth and change in me. I acknowledge that the divine exists in you… and that when we played… we played with both Thanatos and Eros – a will to death and a will to life. Death is the final possession in this play and Eros is the taboo knowing of freedom, or should I say that freedom is the knowing of Eros? That there is an eroticism to life and an innocence to the quenching of ones thirst. In this human suit of mine, it is okay, to merely discern the truth, and walk away. And it is okay, to choose the parameters of play and the rules of engagement. To love knowing what I want, unapologetically, and to love knowing in half confusion and get it wrong and to love not knowing and hold back until I do. And if I offer myself that, how could I not offer it to you? 

Life flows and I am drunk with the giddiness of it, that all things reveal their interiority and their beauty in the midst of life’s struggles, or perhaps it is merely in me, that the dimension of appreciation sets in with a new knowing. As I forgive you, I have forgiven myself, for that play we engaged in, was entirely mine as well. I love you… the way love is also harmony and balance, without compromising, compressing or enlarging any part of me. I cannot perceive you as a ghost to armour against or as someone I’d like to engage with again.

May you be happy, may you be free from shame and suffering, may your good fortune increase, may you be free from aversion and attachment. 

Sand

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